What's my motivation?
Today I gave two dollars to Cathleen Andrews. Why? Well, this is a complicated question. Cathleen is, if I believe her, homeless. She said it wasn't my problem, and she said it wasn't her problem. Cathleen was the most well-spoken homeless person I've ever talked to. And I've encountered a lot of homeless people in over four years living in Waco. She didn't use slang or colloquialisms. She hardly even used contractions. It wasn't her problem or mine - she just wanted to eat.
I would like to believe I gave Cathleen two dollars because she seemed honest. She didn't give me some elaborate story. Or even because she was well spoken, courteous, and I actually wanted to believe her. As I reached in my back pocket and pulled out my wallet, I was asking myself if I really believed that Cathleen would buy food, and not drugs or alcohol. I hope she bought food. She didn't look or act like a junkie. Cathleen said "God bless you," and she looked me in the eye and said it like she meant it. Maybe she's just a seasoned charlatan. But I'd like to believe she meant that too. I said, "have a good night," and rolled up my window and drove away.
Then I realized why I gave Cathleen two dollars. I gave Ms. Andrews two dollars to go away. And I thought about that for the next ten minutes. I do believe God blesses those who do good works. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." But I didn't give Cathleen two dollars as a good deed. I gave her money to leave me alone - because I had things to do. I had Greek to study, the Bible to read, errands to run. I didn't even acknowledge Cathleen as a person. And it's easy to do, when you see homeless people all of the time, and many of them are junkies and liars. But the issue is not about me giving or not giving Cathleen any money. The issue is my selfishness. I just couldn't be bothered. I would have rather paid someone to leave me alone than simply talk to her.
Sometimes it's terribly easy to become commandeered by our lives - the things we have to do, the places we have to go, the hands we have to shake. Sometimes we just need a slap in the face, if only to remind us that we are just as human as everyone else, and everyone else is just as human as you or me.
I would like to believe I gave Cathleen two dollars because she seemed honest. She didn't give me some elaborate story. Or even because she was well spoken, courteous, and I actually wanted to believe her. As I reached in my back pocket and pulled out my wallet, I was asking myself if I really believed that Cathleen would buy food, and not drugs or alcohol. I hope she bought food. She didn't look or act like a junkie. Cathleen said "God bless you," and she looked me in the eye and said it like she meant it. Maybe she's just a seasoned charlatan. But I'd like to believe she meant that too. I said, "have a good night," and rolled up my window and drove away.
Then I realized why I gave Cathleen two dollars. I gave Ms. Andrews two dollars to go away. And I thought about that for the next ten minutes. I do believe God blesses those who do good works. "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." But I didn't give Cathleen two dollars as a good deed. I gave her money to leave me alone - because I had things to do. I had Greek to study, the Bible to read, errands to run. I didn't even acknowledge Cathleen as a person. And it's easy to do, when you see homeless people all of the time, and many of them are junkies and liars. But the issue is not about me giving or not giving Cathleen any money. The issue is my selfishness. I just couldn't be bothered. I would have rather paid someone to leave me alone than simply talk to her.
Sometimes it's terribly easy to become commandeered by our lives - the things we have to do, the places we have to go, the hands we have to shake. Sometimes we just need a slap in the face, if only to remind us that we are just as human as everyone else, and everyone else is just as human as you or me.
posted by nordy at 6:40 PM
3 Comments:
This is a good point, bro. Thanks.
On this score, I'm reminded of something C.S. Lewis said, though I won't attempt to say where. He had given some small amount of money to some homeless sort of person, and some person he was with asked him, "Don't you know that he'll just drink it away?" Lewis responded by saying, "Better that he should than me." That is, better that he should enjoy the money than that Lewis should.
I sort of don't know if I agree with the attitude he takes. If I read him right then, and remember correctly now, the point is simply that Lewis wasn't concerned, ultimately, with what the person did with what he gave. I don't know. Sometime soon I'll try to find where this all came from, since it doesn't seem totally right.
In any case, this whole issue is something that bothers me once in a while. Instances like this are hard; they are a lose-lose situation, in a sense. If you give, then you've got to wonder whether you actually didn't make things worse of by perpetuating something bad. And if you don't, well, then, you've got to live with yourself and beat yourself up as being too concerned with getting scammed, or whatever.
It's hard to say.
As Pat discussed; this is a very difficult dilemma. And I am just as guilty of giving people some small amount of money because I am either too busy, or frankly, too fearful of them to engage in any kind of conversation. Lewis' point seems to be a bit peculiar to me...with the whole "better him than me" mentality. That seems to be completely rooted in selfishness rather than making a gamble and hoping that they use it in a manner that isn't negative.
What I am most guilty of, and something I doubt is ever a good thing, is when the primary reason I give is to solely make myself feel better/superior, etc.
Keep up the writing,
Army
Army,
I don't think Lewis' attitude is selfish. If it's problematic, I think, it is because he doesn't seem to be concerned with what the *consequences* of his giving are. His point is that either he will enjoy the 5 bucks, or the homeless guy, so, in giving the 5 bucks away, he is giving up the enjoyment he might've gotten from it and giving it to someone else. Don't see anything selfish here; in fact, it seems the eminently unselfish attitude to have.
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